| (no subject) |
[Jun. 7th, 2004|12:23 am] |
Since April...
-I've been hit by a car.
-Frankie has been hit by the 57 bus.
-I've joined the Charles River Community Boating Inc and I've taken up Sailing again.
-I've read a dozen new books.
-I've made four new stencils.
-Frankie. Is. Number. One.
-I've lost eight pounds.
-I don't get off my bike.
-I pay my rent. Wow!
-There have been plenty of adventures.
More to come. |
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| oh, and.. |
[Apr. 10th, 2004|09:28 pm] |
More journal like..
I moved into a house in Jamaica Plain, on Gayhead St. I live with men in their late 20's and I hope to soon be listening to Sox games on the 30 year old radio in the kitchen while eating tomato soup and wearing my slippers. The house is large and sunny, walls adorned with mirrors and latino nick-nacks. We have a black box, on which I can watch five channels of porn any time I want.
Well, not ANY time.
Out with the old and in with the new. How appropriate.
Fewer of my days have been spent at Linden Street. I miss Mike. I stopped by to take a walk with him today, and It felt strange and forced at first. Some vague sense of normalcy returned once we were nearing our goodbyes, but I wonder if the goodbye was the only thing that made the both of us eager, or content with being there.
I shouldn't say,"the both of us." I can't speak for myself, let alone for him.
Frankie and I, in the meantime [well, even before disaster struck with Mike] have been inseperable. I learn something new and fresh about him everyday, and in turn I've felt inspired to change a few of the habits that form the foundation of my lifestyle.
I've been busy with work and happy with Frankie and though I miss alot of people, I've also been seeing alot of people that I haven't had the chance to see in awhile. If you think you might like to play wiffleball, fly one of my kites or sit on my porch with me and play poker then please drop me a line. My new phone number can be yours in a heartbeat, and if you've felt ignored... don't worry. I'm comming. |
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| yell. |
[Apr. 10th, 2004|09:20 pm] |
The reason people don't hear me isn't because I don't speak. People don't hear me because they aren't interested.
I've always aspired to be a quiet person.
I've grown tired of the attention I get from shoulders, scalps and spines...
...and spineless. |
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| When I'm not there. |
[Mar. 14th, 2004|11:31 pm] |
I'm always here.
My brain is the slug and my heart is the salt. |
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| I know, I know. |
[Mar. 7th, 2004|08:01 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | BIG and Method Man- The What | ] |
I haven't been updating very much, I know... but thankfully, I haven't been home.
I started my job at the Newbury Comics Warehouse this past Wendesday. I shouldn't really say whether I like it or not... I know it's only been three full days, but I don't think it's as bad as everyone said it was. My boss, Matt, is pretty down-to-earth, level-headed and fair. I spent most of my first day tagging Ernie Ball Top Heavy Bottom Light nickel bass strings. I listen to whatever I want... I take my lunch break with a new friend. I get my weekends off.
I've been spending alot of time at 81 Linden. Mike and I have settled into ourselves quite a bit. I don't know what we are/aren't. I'm okay with that. I am in no hurry to figure anything out because I know I'm enjoying myself.
I want to be better to Kendrah. I miss her and I wish I could see her more often.
I don't think Dan is going to work out as far as roomies go. He's in a big hurry to get out of his parents house by April 1st.. and I've done it before where I've started off on borrowed money. I told him not to do it but whatever.. to each his own I guess. I'm not leaving until I feel like I can stand on my own. I'm shooting for May.
I need to save money.
I get paid Wednesday.
The money is gone already.
My mood swings have been more frequent and a little more severe... it's too bad, too... the highs are amazing. |
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| It's hardly springtime. |
[Feb. 20th, 2004|01:50 am] |
I miss the salty night air from off of the river. I had a home there once... I had romance. A quick press of four buttons brought the windows down and I drove with them down the rest of the way home.
Tonight it was alright, I was feeling something other than cold. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 13th, 2004|07:45 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  nostalgic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | nothing | ] |
I just woke up and remembered what was happening while I was asleep... I don't remember ever having such cliché dreams but.. here we go. It's very broken because I'm just going to write it as it comes to me. Meh..
In my dream, I was laying in Morgan's loft bed. Morgan was not there. I either began to daydream, or I fell asleep... but I was never in that room again. The point of view changes... I think in this part of my dream, it registered to me that I was xadamx and I was seeing through a camcorder. I saw a young version of myself scared looking and standing alone, I saw Jen Millis, I saw Mat Wilding and Pat O'Dea. Everyone was mingling, everyone was busy... The basement was packed with people... all of them running or saying silly things for the camera... and then the camera focused on Kendrah. A band starts playing. Presumeably, it's Moment... a few songs go by in the eye of the camera lens and all it watches is a distortion pedal. No filming of the band is done, and I don't remember there being any vocals... just music.
I don't remember how the basement emptied out, but Kendrah and I were left standing there alone, arm in arm. The point of view is my own again. There were no more vents hanging from the ceiling, only holes where the screws once were. There was no washing machine, no drier. Just grey, dirt... I turned around and noticed Justin Chechile's drumset, taken apart and laid out against the wall, covered in dust... they looked like they hadn't been touched in years.
Next I remember sitting in what registered to me as Kendrah's bedroom [though it wasn't her bedroom as it is now, or ever was]. We were looking at her livejournal [this is NOT how I usually dream, people!] and she had a picture posted. Suddenly, I was in this picture and no longer in Kendrah's room. In the picture, Kendrah and I are standing arm-in-arm again, looking into the window at a movie theater, but we aren't looking inside, we're looking at the reflection. Brian Foley is standing to my left and behind us in the reflection, I noticed Morgan, blowing his nose. We were standing below a movie theater sign like that at the Coolidge. Christmas music was playing, and it was beautiful.
Next, I'm at a present-day show at some basement. Kendrah and I are standing arm in arm and she tells me that she burned a cd for me, and on it are songs I,"will defenitely remember."
Jon and Ginn enter the basement. Ginn takes a seat on a lone chair in the rear corner of the basement, still pregnant and very much so... Jon is obliterated, can hardly stand. This is when I notice how old everyone around me is.. no other faces looked familiar to me and Kendrah was suddenly gone.
I went upstairs and as I was about to leave but first I noticed through the glass window on the door Steve Fournier, sitting on the stoop hunched over, crying. I went outside and sat with him and I don't remember anything other than offering him a ride. We went up the street, got into the Buick...
I drove down two unfamiliar blocks and suddenly I was doing 70 miles an hour. I remember noticing that I was on Higgins St and then speeding straight out onto Comm ave. The car was sideswiped by another oncomming vehicle, and I remember looking over to Steve as the car spun. His head was bleeding, but he had the most wild smile on his face.
Then I woke up. |
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| gray, grey. |
[Feb. 9th, 2004|04:25 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  predatory | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | brian eno. | ] |
Lining the sink of my bathroom are the victims of a tiny massacre had not more than twenty minutes ago. The fallen, not more than two dozen, came and went before their time.
Premature grey hair. You will not be missed. Though who is to say whether or not they were premature? |
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| the anti-cupid. |
[Feb. 7th, 2004|04:02 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  discontent | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | ethan's song- jason schwartzman [slackers] | ] |
Watch out for me on Valentines day. I will be playing the role of the anti-Cupid- ruining romantic moments and misleading young men and women striaght through til midnight, where I will then kiss a sinner hard on the mouth and disappear into the night.
It seems like everyone knows my name and I never would have guessed that it's one of the most lonely, disappointing senstations I've ever known. I wish people still felt new to me.
I stopped in at a party earlier tonight and I sat down next to someone I miss sitting next to. I'm not quite sure why we can't do anything as simple as that anymore, but it probably has something to do with him having a girl in his life.
I've got a few friends out there brushing me off for girlfriends or boyfriends... was I really that bad when I was with Craig? I've even got friends out there that are brushing me off now that I'm NOT with Craig. How the fuck do I win?!
I'm just ranting. None of this will matter tomorrow morning after I've run two miles on frozen asphalt.
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Good news? There is some. I'm performing Shakespeare's Sonnett 104 at the Boston Public Library on April Seventh, and I'm doing a reading in the short play Shoes and Matching Handbag with the Hovey Players in Waltham. Auditioning makes me feel good.
I shouldn't have requested 104. It's going to drive tears out of me, I know... I'll have one person in mind, and one person alone.
"To me, fair friend, you never can be old,
For as you were when first your eye I eyed,
Such seems your beauty still... " |
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| Don't say you will. |
[Feb. 3rd, 2004|10:50 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  indifferent | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | rezillos- top of the pops | ] |
Because I know you won't.
Leap year.
"I don't think I can take one more day of this." Well thanks, Time. Might it have been more comical to do this instead?
I feel like every essential or creative bit of me has flown south for the winter... and they want my brain to go hang out, too, you know since brain is importaint and all... and my brain is all like,"Nah. Misery is pretty alright. And forensic files is on."
And that, my friends, is about as impartial as you can get. |
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| baby that's no lie. |
[Feb. 2nd, 2004|08:43 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  enthralled | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Johnny Cash- I Won't Back Down | ] |
Steve is back in my life again.
Stand that by itself, and it's virtually impossible for me to feel upset about anything else. |
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| When you find he's got you begging... |
[Feb. 2nd, 2004|04:28 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | jawbreaker | ] |
"One last time"'s are a bad idea, though, you're right. As much as I wanted to be warmed by you, I appreciate you looking out for the both of us. Too bad you couldn't have done that sooner, no?
I fell asleep lastnight feeling foolish and lonely. I curled up on the floor, my head atop a damp warm pillow and my eyes burning me for having aggrieved my heart. In the cases where I'm not misleading someone, I am doomed to be misled. And oh, how our intentions are always good and logical! Don't fall for it... we are all ultimately selfish and irrational.
Idealistic soul, how I loathe thee.
---------------
My weekend consisted of shoplifting, scrabble, midnight movies, rioting, singing, and driving to Huntington Ave to make small talk with Kendrah in lieu of spurious smiles and insincere basement show hugs.
Lastnight, as Comm Ave was being blocked off at the Fens and as Brighton Ave was being cleared of traffic, I drove to Morgan's house to hang out with him and Dan Wars, and was cordially invited to help out with the group vocals on the new Bread And Roses record [a few of the same songs, a few new ones, banjo duely noted and simple choruses in place!]. I had alot of fun with it, and on top of it all I got to spend time with some great guys. It will be cool to listen to it later and remember lastnight for the better, not for worse. And believe me, there was defenitely worse...
I also stopped by Bill Scots and said hi to all the Foxboro kids, watched the Pats win the Super Bowl and unknowingly watched my dad win EIGHT THOUSAND DOLLARS.
He needed that.
Meanwhile, my mom is really upset with me. I don't think I'll be able to attend tomorrows job interview in Braintree. Somehow, she wants me to get a full time job but doesn't want to make it easy for me to show up for imy nterviews when I get them.
This isn't going to last, either.
Update: Eric was here, now he's not. I figured a few things out [uh, like how fucking bizarro CRAZY I am], and I suppose I have him to thank for that... now I just have to stick to a few promises I made to myself.. something tells me I'm going to regret them later. I hate promises. I can't keep them. |
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| only nineteen. |
[Jan. 23rd, 2004|12:18 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | old 97's | ] |
It's not my sixteenth birthday. I'm not Molly Ringwald. No one is going to fall in love with me today, but some importaint people did forget.
I'm feeling sour today. It didn't occur to me that I might have subconsciously been expecting things, but I defenitely woke up to the stinging feeling of disappointment.
Happy Birthday To ME.
It will get better. I just need to get out of the house, have my last cigarette, and buy myself some steel-toed boots. FOR ASS KICKING. |
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| shadow boxing. |
[Jan. 19th, 2004|06:10 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | dead | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | fugees- ready or not | ] |
There was no stopping me, babe, the signal was green. I drew hearts upon the dashboard as traffic lights swayed on a thin wire above my head... But you know I can be, I was driving too fast and my head was filled with thoughts of you and me and..
Green green green red without yellow makes a mess of me.
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I had a dream this morning where I was shot in the face point blank with a shotgun. I didn't wake up there, no, I never do. I got to explore with my hands the cavity and all that remained of my face.
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Fuck you, every single one of you well wishers can't even pretend to give a fuck. I'm dying. |
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| Yep, it sure is early! |
[Jan. 14th, 2004|05:50 am] |
I'm not sure who I told, but I recently found out that they're trying to fire my dad from work. He hasn't been there in well over a month, and they didn't tell anyone until after the holidays to avoid recieving charity from the family, and I don't blame them. We can't really survive off of my mom's paycheck, and my father can't file for unemployment until the D.O.C. ACTUALLY fires him and it overwrites the "indefenite suspension" that currently makes up my fathers limbo [which is second on the list of reasons why we're taking the Department of Corrections to court]. His termination is over an incident in 1997 that the Union has been fighting with my father with since that day in August that my cousin Michael, age 6, died of a rare disease and my father requested the day off for the feuneral. They wouldn't give him the personal day because Michael wasn't,"and immediate relative," so my father took it as a sick day. They knew that he was not, in fact, sick... and suspended him for a week for not presenting a doctors note... sigh.
Anyway, so I'm worried about my family. Their health insurance is going to get cancelled, they have two cars to pay for, food, rent...
I think I need to be here for them right now. Hence why I slipped half of last weeks check into my mothers wallett while she was asleep. |
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| winter. |
[Jan. 13th, 2004|03:38 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  moody | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | red house painters- i feel the rain fall | ] |
Winter has, like a snowball thrown during recess, hit me unexpectedly.
A few things I thought I rid myself of when I went to California have found me back here in Boston. I was a fool to think that I had exstinguished the mania and that the cinders would be perfect for the facade that I affectionately call,"impartial to everything." That didn't last long though, because I am right now wallowing in a wet, snow covered ash that is the polar opposite of mania and I wouldn't even call it depression. Depression I'm usually pretty comfortable with, as many people are with their own, but this... this is different. I am uncomfortable and fickle and irritated and grumpy. I feel like an angry grandma. The kind that only sends you five dollars on your birthday... or coupons. Or, like my grandma one year, rosary beads.
Anywho, I hope I find a better vice than food VERY soon.
An old friend sent me about 120 images of myself that I thought I'd never see again. I never noticed that the only time I go out of my way to take a picture of myself is to have them on the internet. Anyway, the point is, I miss how thin I was. I miss being younger and athletic and healthy and active. More active, anyway. Active in ways that I'm not now.
Boo. Hiss.
Get me a new job. |
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| I wouldn't expect the sinking feeling to be anywhere besides deep within my gut. |
[Jan. 11th, 2004|07:38 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | numb | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | blink 182- all of this | ] |
From time to time, I wake up drenched in the coldest sweat. I swear I can feel something kicking.
A friend of mine is with child, she's gigantic and she's due next month. I finally asked her if I could feel her stomach. At that moment, my heart broke all over again.
From time to time, I feel like a coward.
I wish he wanted anything to do with me.
From time to time, I wonder what it would have looked like. |
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| Do I ever mean what I say? |
[Jan. 8th, 2004|07:48 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | pensive | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | disaster strikes | ] |
Probably not!
I can feel this job getting beneath my skin already. I must have lost all ability to associate with human life because my job entails very little person-to-person contact... probably about ten minutes of it altogether, and every morning I can feel my blood boiling. These people make me so goddamn angry and for anyone that isn't a pacifist, you know how it can be.
All I can think about is getting into my car and driving away, quitting my job, getting violent, spouting off. I thought I was getting better, and yet I wonder if I'm somehow, behaviorally, getting worse.
In these situations, I always think back to the first therapist I ever had, accusing me of being either a sociopath or a pathalogical liar. Heh, PROBABLY.
I've defenitely been feeling socially awkward. Not just at the workplace... nothing feels comfortable anymore. I have no "clique," no group of dependable regulars. I just pop in, and pop out of everything. I'm so inconsistaint, so unreliable. It's to the point where I'm offering services like rides to parties and shows just so I can meet some people. It's harder, too, not having a best friend anymore. I don't even have Gina... she hasn't called me since October. No surprise, really. The only reason that we were friends up to 2003 was because I was determined to keep her in my life. She just didn't seem interested anymore.
I'm not going to stop anyone from leaving me anymore. I learned the hard way with Craig that fighting it does fucking jack shit.
I'm not really in a bad mood, I'm just... pensive.
Ultimately, it's a complicated situation. I miss people but I don't know if I'm capeable of being around anyone right now.
I hung out with Dan tonight, and that was long overdue. He's going to be leaving for Florida later in the year, so no surprise that he'll be out of my life by the summer. It's too bad, too, because I felt pretty comfy there tonight just crashing out in front of the tele with somebody. There defenitely hasn't been enough cuddle this winter. I feel pretty numb to it anyway, so in my eyes it's entirely harmless.
I am someones gay fantasy. Too much denim.
I just want to be sleeping atop a thin layer of blankets, spread out on a hardwood floor in an overpriced Oakland apartment aside one particular boy with very clean hands. |
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| Another year passes. |
[Dec. 30th, 2003|11:32 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sick | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | pizza! pizza! crazy bread | ] |
I'd like to try one of those "build a better vocabulary" programs... the kind you can purchase at Barnes and Noble in the 50% off section [if, you know, you're into the whole purchasing stuff phenomenon]. In high school, I was memorizing forty new words every two weeks. Forty. I figure that's about the rate at which the English language is leaking out of my brain in the form of snot and ear wax. I've lost any motivation I once had to write because it's fairly embarrassing, being unable go two journal entries without using the words "perhaps," "sans," or,"awesome."
Tomorrow is New Years Eve. It's hard to commit to a new years resolution when you can't manage to take new years day seriously. There is something more refreshing and very "clean slate" about waking up on the morning of your birthday and being a year older. I am not going to make changes to my life when I celebrate the birthday of the calendar year, I will make the changes when I celebrate ME, surviving another year.
It's going to be a very low-key night. A party or two, a glass of champagne, perhaps a kiss on the cheek at midnight, and then a lonely drive to work at 3am. I always find myself a little sullen on the last day of the year, and I've never been able to explain exactly what motivates me to be so "blah" on a night that is so "rah." I wouldn't even bother going out with friends, 'cept I figured I'd be happier with them than with family. I just hope there will be loud music.
Drown your sorrows in something other than liquor, lass.
I'm not looking forward to having to do my particular job on the most dangerous driving night of the year. I will do the speed limit, I will take my time, and I will be extra careful. I'll even drive the car with the drivers-side airbag, how's that?
For anyone I won't be seeing on new years eve, have a good one... and for anyone I will be seeing, please be sure to give me a hug.
For one particular someone I won't be seeing... at midnight tomorrow, we're one day closer to having you here in my room, under my blankets... UNDER MY NINJA SPELLS. |
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| home sweet... |
[Dec. 24th, 2003|12:56 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  awake | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | marvin gaye- aint that peculiar | ] |
I'm back. I've already managed to get a job and have my parents car towed.
Kendrah was the first person I ran to the city to see. I think it was a fine choice.
I got a job doing contract route delivery for the Boston Herald. The hours are 3am until about 7am, but the pay is better than what I was making working full time at Zoinks. I can't wait to start the new year with a clean slate... no debts... no enemies.
I've decided to make a few importaint changes to my lifestyle. As of January 1st, 2004, I'm not going to be playing with drugs, I'm going to strive not to drink in party atmospheres, and I'm going to quit smoking. To help motivate my father to start taking better care of himself, I am going to go on his diet with him. He's diabetic and he doesn't eat well, and he's so young.. my mother thinks that he's planning on dropping dead just when they finally have an empty house and money to spend at retirement. I always pictured myself dying before my parents did. I don't know why... but either way, I'm going to do what I can.
My mom gave me a $100 gift certificate for dinner at the Top of the Hub. I want to take someone I know that I'm going to have fun with... if I had my way, I would take several of you on one big date, but the meals are so expensive. If you'd like to go, drop me a line. I can't make any promises aside from whoever I pick, I will have a fair reason and we will have a blast.
Be prepared to dress up, though! And pay gratuity! Hehe, its not included ;-) |
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